


Reaverthorne

by quinship



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Love and trust, Mysterious Circumstances, Science Fantasy, Soulmates, inspired by a dream i had when i was ten, inspired by a wrinkle in time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-15 00:47:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14148264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinship/pseuds/quinship
Summary: Reaverthorne is a city in Manitoba where people go to find a job, but never come back from. Aside from that, nobody knows anything for sure about it; there's just rumors. So why does Sara want to go there?





	Reaverthorne

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I've been working on this for a while, and in honor of Expectations and A Series of Unfortunate Events season 2 coming out, I decided to post this, since I finally finished the other day. 
> 
> Reaverthorne is a figment of my imagination.

“I’m thinking of moving to Reaverthorne,” She remarked on the phone as though this was a casual tidbit. I could envision her, holding the landline to her ear with her shoulder as she did laundry, made dinner, or lay on the couch, book in her hand but not reading. She would be in sweatpants and a t-shirt regardless of what she was doing because she never dressed up on Sundays.

I didn’t know what to say for a solid moment, questions rushing through my head. Eventually, I settled on one to start with. “Sara, why would you want to?”

“It sounds more appealing than the shitty part of Calgary. There’s no crime there. Besides, I’ve been wanting to move further away from the nest for a long time. I want to be on my own.” She replied.

“You know what they say about Reaverthorne, Sara.” I reminded her. I was rather in disbelief that she was ignoring the rumors, but then again, Sara was stubborn. And besides, I had to believe that she was smarter than this because Sara had always been ten steps ahead of everyone when we were growing up. She made sure we got away with a lot of mess-ups and schemes because she always figured out how to prevent others from learning the truth about what had happened.

“I don’t want to be stuck in the same place forever. I thought about going to Montreal, but I don’t remember very much French, nor do I want to go to the trouble of learning because classes cost money that I don’t feel like shelling out.” She explained as though it was pretty obvious. I was getting the sense that she had already made this decision before deciding to tell me. Of course, she had a right to do this, and it was typical of her. It wasn’t like this decision was mine to make. But I couldn’t help but be a little hurt that she hadn’t brought it up earlier, as this would affect our affair.

We had tiptoed around together since we were fifteen. Thanks to Sara and I being extraordinarily careful, nobody had ever found out in the past nine years. Well… Not yet at least. Perhaps moving had something to do with it? I wasn’t sure. She usually wasn’t afraid to tell me when she had a plan because she knew I would never betray her, and in turn, she made sure almost all of her schemes benefitted me in some way, even if I wasn’t involved. See, Sara didn’t care too much about others. But I was one of the only people she loved and cared for. In fact, I might be as bold to say that I was the person she loved and valued most. Her former relationships never lasted more than several months because she wasn’t interested in committing to a relationship that wasn’t with me. She refused to move in with anyone other than me (though we found our relationship was best hidden when we lived separately, so we did), she didn’t fancy monogamy, and rarely liked for anyone to stay the night at her place, and generally went home for the night when she was at anyone else’s. But me… I was different from all of the rest.

“Sara… What about everything here? I… Actually, would you come over so we can talk?” I pleaded, trying to figure out her ulterior motive.

She let out a sigh, which told me she had been lazing around and wasn’t in love with the idea of having to discontinue that activity or lack thereof. “Be there soon.” I could hear the sounds of her getting up.

“See you soon… Love you.”

“Love you too.”

With that, I hung up. Despite my worries, I reminded myself that she probably knew what she was doing and might just be choosing not to tell me over the phone for some reason. So I held onto my faith in Sara as I changed my clothes and cleaned up my apartment a bit for when she got there. She didn’t like messy places, even if she never said anything about it to me aside from a teasing remark to make me laugh.

As soon as she arrived, I let her in and quickly shut and locked the door before she pinned me against the door in a heavy kiss that made my toes curl as she awoke my body and heart.

“Hey,” She said, smiling.

“Hi,” I replied, running my fingers through her hair.

“You wanted to talk?” She asked, tracing a thumb along my cheekbone.

I nodded, and she peeled herself from me and we went into the living room to sit on the couch. I pulled a blanket over my lower half. She slipped her feet underneath it, resting them in my lap. She laid on the couch so carelessly, a relaxed smile lighting up her face. I wanted to kiss her again, but we had other issues at hand.

“So… About you moving to Reaverthorne…” I paused, pursing my lips and furrowing my brow, trying to figure out what to say exactly. “I… I’m worried. Remember when Rob moved there? He hasn’t moved back, and we haven’t heard from him since.”

“Tee, we were friends in high school. Of course we’re going to lose contact with him.” She pointed out, still so unconcerned. “He’s my ex-boyfriend slash beard, and he legitimately had feelings for me before I came out. Don’t worry so much. Besides, Mum ran into his parents at the grocery store a few months ago. Remember, she told us? He doesn’t call, but he sent a Christmas card. His work schedule is just really busy there, but he’s doing well. Babe, it’s ok.” She leaned forward and brushed my hair out of my face, and kissed my cheek.

“Why do you want to go there? Really and truly.” I stared into her eyes, searching for a glimmer of something that might reveal a sort of truth she wasn’t telling me.

“Like I said, I want to get away from here.” She shrugged, her fingers drifting into my hair, absentmindedly playing with it. “Yeah, rent is cheap here, but I don’t like the area. I want to go somewhere else. And from what I’ve heard, Reaverthorne… The economy there is amazing. They have no homeless population; everyone has a job; decent and affordable living conditions. There’s almost no crime. Trust me, Tegan. I’ve done my research. This will only benefit my future. If I work there for a while, I’ll have a better foothold in competing for a job.” She looked so confident in her decision, so determined.

I didn’t doubt that she knew what she was talking about, but moving all the way to Manitoba worried me. Everyone seemed to know someone, or someone who knew someone who had moved to Reaverthorne, but nobody ever went there and came back. Most simply moved there and stayed. It wasn’t on the way to any major cities, and the people who emerged for purposes such as mail were always described as strange. But this was always passed through word of mouth, so nobody really knew how true these rumors were. There were few records talking about Reaverthorne, especially on the internet.

What I did know was that I worried about Sara going there. I certainly wasn’t going to be following her. But I also knew that if anyone could ever stop her, it would be me. She couldn’t be persuaded of anything, except for a few rare times when she chose to listen to me. She had always challenged authority, even when they were trying to help her. When the time came to apply to colleges, she refused to go very far away, because I wasn’t planning on any more school unless completely necessary. She earned a scholarship but decided to go to community college. She was smart enough to become a doctor or work in a lab or something, but she was a medical transcriptionist. She had claimed that she liked to work at home and be alone, but I knew that she partially did it for me, regardless of what she said. Even though school counselors had told her that she could even become a physicist if she so desired, but that wasn’t what she wanted. I was.

“What if I go with you?” I suggested. Obviously, I wasn’t serious about this, but I just had to test her reaction. She might have been the cunning, manipulative one, but I could keep up with her.

“Tegan, I love you, but this is just something I need to do on my own. Besides, you don’t genuinely want to go… you’d hate it. Besides, you’d miss Mum.” She pointed out.

“I don’t care if I wouldn’t like it, I just don’t like the idea of you going there alone.” I pleaded. I wasn’t the best actor, but I had to try to find a few answers.

“I do. But like I said, I need to do this alone. We need to have our own identities, so I think it would be good for us to live away from each other.” She met my eyes with hers. “We’ve lived in the same city for twenty-four years. I think we need to learn how to live separately and rid ourselves of this codependency. And besides, I’m a black belt.” I, having quit judo when I was sixteen because I wanted to spend more time with my beard/best friend Jeremy, never went past a brown belt, but she still practiced and had her black belt. I went to the gym, but she was definitely better off as far as fighting went. I was always scared of hurting someone else, and I was a bit of a baby when it came to pain, so I never went back to martial arts or anything similar to it and simply worked out at the gym. So I just knew how to do the basic self-defense moves everyone did, and I could run five kilometers straight at a pace above a jog.

“That’s a fair point… But why does it have to be Reaverthorne?” I pleaded. “If it has to be Reaverthorne, just let me go with you. If it’s safe, I’ll leave.”

“I have to be independent. You can handle me living there for a year.” She replied, removing herself from physical contact with me, sitting with crossed legs, shoulders squared in determination.

“A year?! Like hell I’m letting you go to Reaverthorne for more than an hour, much less a year.” I burst out.

“Tegan, don’t be so dramatic,” She chided. “It’s going to be fine. This will only help us. You have to understand, Tegan. I’ve thought this through in great detail. I know what I’m doing. Please, trust me.”

“What if you don’t come back? What am I supposed to do if you disappear?” I pressed. I was genuinely worried about this, and I prayed Sara would have an answer.

“I’m not going to disappear. You won’t let that happen. I have faith in you.” She smiled knowingly at me, and my eyes watered with tears.

At this point, I no longer wanted to think about her leaving me for Reaverthorne, so I reached out to touch her. We kissed and slowly descended into having sex under a blanket on my couch. That night, we slept together in my bed, though I had to get up to go to work in the morning. I was a server at a Tim Horton’s and hated it (though less than my previous never-ending post at McDonald’s). Sara always joked that it could be worse; I could be a waitress at Hooter’s, though I would always point out that she would enjoy that. Nevertheless, I wanted to be a chef in a restaurant, but I hadn’t gotten a chance yet. I was in the middle of the culinary school at the community college (I was surprised she hadn’t used that as a reason for me not to go with her, but it was more likely she knew I didn’t actually want to go and was just checking her reasons).

“Have a good shift.” She murmured in my ear right before I left for work. She was laying in my bed, but I knew that she would be gone soon after I left because she preferred to work when I was gone so that we could have more time together.

When I arrived at my job, I found that we were at a lull, so I went to wash dishes with one of the high school kids. My favorite was a guy named Ted, so I called dibs on washing dishes with him, but I didn’t make very good conversation. Because I didn’t have much to occupy my mind with, I couldn’t help but focus on Reaverthorne and the mystery surrounding it.

A complete list of things I knew:

  1. It was a decent sized city in Manitoba that was sort of out of the way, so you never went through on accident, and people never wanted to visit.
  2. People moved there and didn’t ever leave, except for people who drove mail and delivery trucks.
  3. There were plenty of jobs and housing there, with a good economy.
  4. There were no pictures of the place.
  5. There were rumors that people who came from there looked sickly and acted like a one-dimensional cardboard person when they interacted with others. (These were delivery truck and mail people.)



So naturally, I asked Ted what he knew about Reaverthorne due to the fact that teenagers shit-talked anyone and everything in existence, generally having larger social circles for them to crowdsource from. Anyone past their teen years would be too polite to spread rumors.

“My cousin moved there because she couldn’t find a job after college and didn’t know what to do with herself.” He replied. “We get cards for holidays occasionally, but that’s it. People from there don’t like to communicate with the outside world. It’s weird as fuck. Me and my other cousins joke that she was replaced by an alien.”

“My sister wants to move there for a year and then leave,” I admitted. “I’m trying to get her to change her mind, but she’s pretty stubborn.”

“Wait, you talking about your twin?” He asked. I nodded. “I wouldn’t let my sister go there… The place sounds like bad news to me… I don’t think my girlfriend would like it if I went there, especially now that the kid is on its way.”

I made a mental note to badger our manager into letting us throw Ted and his girlfriend a baby shower in a couple of months. “Though… If there are really as many jobs as they say there are…” I pointed out.

“I’m interested in going into the music industry, though that might not be realistic, with a kid on the way right now. I mean… I’ve been briefly desperate enough to do research on Reaverthorne. They don’t have anything for musicians. They have restaurant positions though, but I couldn’t find any daycares or babysitters or nannies. Or any schools for that matter. Like, not even colleges.” Ted shook his head, as though he was trying to knock Reaverthorne out of his mind. My eyebrows crept up to the ceiling as these new developments processed in my mind.

“Maybe that information is only available to locals?” I didn’t even sound very sure to my own ears, but I did have to explore other possibilities. The only conclusions I would allow myself to jump to were that Sara shouldn’t go there and that Reaverthorne seemed off the more I talked and heard about it.

“I guess so…” He shrugged. “I’d ask my cousin, but she doesn’t reply to our letters, emails, or calls. I mean, none of us is about to go visit her. She always says she’s really busy. I wonder what she does with her vacation time.”

“Yeah… I mean, my sister can handle herself, I know she can… But I’m still suspicious as fuck.” I replied. “I don’t want to get near that place.”

“Ugh, I don’t even want to fucking talk about it anymore. It gives me the creeps.” Ted made a face. “My friends were like ‘your cousin is as good as missing now’ when she left. You’ll never catch me moving there, especially with my kid to think about.”

“It’s all I can think about,” I confessed. “I’m worried about my sister. I mean… she hasn’t gone there yet, but I don’t want her to ever go.”

“Don’t let her. If you do, she might be as good as gone. I mean… If you want, I can ask my teachers about Reaverthorne, but usually they tell us to stop spreading rumors and sharing theories. It’s almost like talking about it is taboo to older people, which is just… weird. But given all the mystery, I wonder if we’re ever going to get tourist attention from it.”

“Not likely. Essentially it’s like, why go to one city that’s way out of the way in Canada when you can go to all sorts of mysterious sites in the US?” I pointed out. “That’s probably why nobody cares. Anyway, it’s not like we can treat it like Winchester… We can’t give tours or anything money-making like that. We Canadians just aren’t like that.”

“Yeah… We’re not in the business of terrorizing locals with tourists to gawk at them. God, imagine living on Lombard Street in San Francisco.” Ted made a face.

“Honestly, I wish someone would just… investigate. Like someone would just do some investigative journalism and write an article at least addressing the rumors. It’s not always good to just mind your own business all the fucking time.” I burst out.

“I mean… It’s helpful to me and Mandy… Pregnant teenage girls used to get stared at, but it’s a relief that nobody gives a shit in public nowadays.” Ted pointed out.

“Ok, I’m not talking about personal business. I’m talking about stuff that affects a lot of people. We all can’t just to keep to ourselves and expect others to all just be fine. Sometimes we do have to eavesdrop because it could help others. But instead, we all just choose to be the bystanders that keep our heads down and not concern ourselves with those who aren’t ourselves.” I sighed with frustration. “I don’t know… I just… I wish that we knew more about Reaverthorne. Sara’s too stubborn to listen to me. She says she’s got a plan. I guess that’s good enough for her, but not for me. I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to her.”

“Sometimes you have to just trust the people you love… I know it’s not even close to the same, but I listen to Mandy. I trust her to know what’s best for our baby.” Ted shrugged.

I smiled darkly at the fact that he didn’t know that it was actually far more similar than he thought, but changed the subject to something lighter before I accidentally gave something away. On the surface, I participated in the small talk, but internally, I mapped out a scheme to try to make Sara want to stay. What if I got injured? I wasn’t particularly graceful, so if I just so happened to break a bone, she’d have to stay with me while it healed, right? But then I remembered that I couldn’t handle my pain… But maybe that would make her want to stay with me. But then again, would that really be right? My gut sank as I was brought face to face with my dilemma, which now involved my personal morality. I had always been a strong believer that right is right, regardless, which meant that this situation was no different from any other, and I got no pass just because I was trying to protect a loved one.

This thought made me frown. Sara wanted to go to Reaverthorne and had a plan in order to take care of and protect herself. One that she hadn’t told me, though that didn’t mean that it was a bad one. In fact, knowing her, it was likely as close to flawless as possible. Maybe I should just trust her. After all, our relationship heavily relied on having faith in each other. She never interrogated me about the other women I’d had relationships with. She knew that I would never love them as much as I loved her, and I extended the same trust to her. And we let the other know what was best for herself as far as our relationship went. So this meant—I shuddered as I made this realization—that I had to trust Sara in her decision to _live in Reaverthorne_.

I took a deep breath on my walk home from work. I still didn’t want to let her go anywhere near that fucking city. I feared that after a year, she wouldn’t emerge herself, or possibly not at all. But deep down, I knew that Sara wouldn’t even let death get in between us.

At that point, I decided to go to her apartment instead, where I’d spend the rest of the night with her. If she was going to Reaverthorne for a year, I wanted to be with her as much as possible.

“Hey,” She said, opening the door and smiling knowingly. She was wearing a black plush bathrobe (a gift from me one year for Christmas) and not much else. This clearly meant that nobody else was over, because she generally used this to cover her nude body, and I was the only person she was in the habit of lounging around in the nude with. If she was going to sleep with someone and get up and answer the door, she would throw on the clothes she had been wearing before she undressed.

“Hi,” I wrapped my arms around her. She laughed as she shut the door behind me with one free hand, the other holding me. She locked the world out and pulled away enough to kiss me.

“Rough day at work?” She asked, leading me into the living room.

“Not exactly.” I tossed my bag and shoes to the floor, and she began to help me out of my clothing. “I wanted to see you. And I wanted to tell you something.”

“And what is it that you wanted to tell me?” She asked, her lips hovering over the skin on my neck.

“I’m not going to fight you on the Reaverthorne thing,” I admitted.

“Really?” She pulled away to meet my eyes, an eyebrow raised. “I thought you were worried.”

“I am… And I won’t stop worrying. But the thing is… I trust you.” I traced my fingers over her cheek, smiling fondly as I gazed into her eyes. “I have faith that you know what you’re doing. Our relationship has to have trust, or else it won’t work.”

“I love you so much,” She whispered, smiling like I was the most beautiful thing she had ever laid eyes on before kissing me. I smiled, almost ruining our kiss, but I wrapped my arms around her. I let her finish undressing me, and we just hung out on her couch, making out like a pair of teenagers for a long time. Thankfully, she closed her blinds before I had arrived. Apparently, she had been in the mood for love because I saw one of her favorite love stories laying on the coffee table, a bookmark slipped inside, and the radio playing the top forty love songs, which was fitting for an evening in early February.

When we got tired, we went to bed together. Me, my arms wrapped around her, the side of my head resting on her chest so that I could hear her heartbeat. Her arms held me to herself, as though she feared I would be ripped away from her in our slumber.

That morning, I awoke, peeling my face from her skin to look up to see her smiling down at me.

“Good morning,” She whispered. We kissed deeply, despite mutual bad breath (which had just been accepted as a fact of life years previously).

“Any dreams last night?” I asked when we came up for air.

“Nope. You?”

I shook my head and let out a sigh, laying my head on her shoulder. She rested her head against mine. Things were so good between us at this point, and she only wanted to leave the entire province in order to go to another city for a year. If I’d done something wrong, she would have said so. But we still seemed to exist as two halves of the same being. Just because we were getting along at this point didn’t mean it wouldn’t cause any problems later. It wasn’t a good sign that I didn’t know what I’d do without her. So maybe she was right. Mum had always warned us that codependency was dangerous, but we were good at throwing her off our trail and had become masters of smoke and mirrors while we hid behind the curtain together.

My heart sank upon worrying that Sara and I weren’t necessarily healthy in our relationship. Generally, that possibility was a given, but… Did she want to get away from it?

“Babe,” I whispered.

“What is it, Tee?” Sara looked down into my eyes.

“Do you want to get away because of our relationship?” With that heavy question, a silence hit us, and she looked away from my eyes. I wondered if that was from guilt, but I couldn’t tell.

“There are multiple reasons.” She finally said after a moment. “Mostly due to my career and the fact that I’ve wanted to get away for a while. It’s not because I want to be away from you. I… It’s hard to explain now, but I promise I’ll explain everything when I get back from Reaverthorne.” I couldn’t tell if she was lying or trying to cover something up or…

“What if you don’t come back?” I asked after a pause.

“If I don’t come back, you’ll come get me.” She answered firmly. “You would leave no stone unturned in trying to find me if I went missing. You’re one of the few people I would trust with my life.”

I listened to her heartbeat for a moment. “I hope it never comes to that.” I murmured against her skin, and left a kiss on her breast, over her heart. In turn, she caught my face in her hands and kissed my lips. We slowly progressed into her going down on me, the sheets unintentionally kicked down to the foot of the bed. Her hands were gentle against my sensitive skin. I felt vulnerable, and rather than moaning, found myself doing a lot of whimpering. I returned the favor before we got up to have breakfast, though we got dressed first for safety.

“Just another manic Monday,” She joked as we sat down with our breakfast.

“I want to spend them all with you,” I said, without thinking.

“I know.” She tangled her fingers in my hair and kissed me before stealing a bite from my plate.

“Hey!” I protested playfully.

“Oops.” She winked at me.

God, she made me happier than anyone I knew. She was the one person who could make me smile during sex just by seeing her smile down at me. I often felt that it was unfair that we were so close yet so far from being able to be together. It was no longer taboo to be gay, but our lives would probably be ruined if anyone found out that we were twin sisters in love.

Before we confessed to each other, our relationship existed on a teeter-totter. Up was when we were ride-or-die, down was being at each other’s throats, and the middle was not even speaking. Our mother put us in therapy, but we still didn’t get along. But once I finally went through her diary in order to try to understand why she didn’t like me, I found out that what I thought was the case was actually the opposite. So I confronted her and we admitted our feelings for one another. Things didn’t immediately come together seamlessly because it was a stressful secret. Sometimes it was easiest to ignore each other and what was between us because we were just teenagers… kids. But as we grew, it was easier to deal with. I remember both screaming fights and tender moments, and they hold a mutual place in my heart because my love for Sara is nothing if not passionate. And passion isn’t purely full of love and care. It can burn you, make you furious with the one you love because only she can make you feel so much. To have her made me happier than any other woman would ever be able to, but to lose her would be the end of my world.

The trick, we finally found out, was balance. Yes, we did need to be together for there to even be a relationship, but it was just as important that we be apart sometimes as well. Similarly, in order to keep such a large secret and lie to others so often, we let them feast on the truths about our exploits with other women and were brutally honest about our lack of desire to find someone and get married. And, of course, my need to be with Sara after she declared her intention to move to Reaverthorne for a year simply maintained the equilibrium.

“I have class in a couple hours,” I muttered with a groan, upon glancing at the clock and recalling that the outer world existed. “And then I have to go to work.”

“Do you want me to come over tonight?” She moved my hair out of my face.

“Yeah… I’ll bring some dinner home.” I promised, sticking my pinkie out for her to take. She laughed silently and linked hers with mine.

“Sounds good.”

We spent every last moment possible lazing around, and she read to me from a book of poems by Sylvia Plath. My legs resting her lap, I closed my eyes and envisioned the scenes around me. They weren’t supposed to be happy or romantic, but god, I felt both of those things with Sara, especially as she read the words; her voice like velvet, a rich chocolate truffle, stained glass. I almost fell asleep with her, until she stopped reading. I heard paper rustle, and then a pen scratching.

I lifted a single eyelid to see her glance from me, sprawled out on my back, to her paper. She was using her ink pen.

“Want me to take off my clothes?” I teased. She loved drawing me, nude or clothed, but I knew which one she preferred to feast her eyes upon.

“If you like. Either way, it’s art.” She answered with a wink.

I hummed and struggled to take off my shirt. There was nothing underneath, and I cast it to the floor before shimmying to get my boyshorts and pajama pants off. I might grow bored, simply laying there in the rare sunlight, so I snatched her headphones and iPod from the coffee table, and listened to music as I soaked in my surroundings. From time to time, I’d open my eyes to look at her. She looked at me as though I was something majestic she absolutely had to capture correctly, even if doing so killed her. Ink stained her fingers black, her teeth held her bottom lip between them, her tongue occasionally darting out to lick her lips. She was almost hypnotized by me, it seemed. When I was a teen, I used to hate having my naked body be exposed because I was insecure and embarrassed, but with the way Sara looked at me, I couldn’t possibly stay that way and eventually became confident.

My reluctance to leave and go attend to my obligations in the real world almost prevented me from leaving, but I knew that I would be happier to see her that evening, once I had been away from her for a while.

“What are you going to do today?” I asked at the doorway, trying to prolong being in her presence.

“In between doing some work, pack up. Yesterday I got some boxes and stuff for the move. I figure it’s best to start now, you know?” She replied casually.

It hit me like a load of bricks that she had been planning to move to Reaverthorne regardless of what I thought or how I felt. I had known this previously, but realizing it hurt more than I would ever admit. Yes, Sara would spend a morning translating me to art, but she was also willing to leave me for a year in order to further her career and leave her childhood city. And perhaps make our relationship healthier by detaching us from one another, and allowing our personal identities to flourish.

So I trudged on to class wondering when Sara was going to leave me, though that was a selfish way of putting it. Since she was packing up, it wasn’t going to be too far away. I figured I had a few months until she left, at most. Part of the problem with knowing that she was going to leave was that it made me want to spend every second possible with her, but I was aware of the fact that gorging myself with being around her, letting myself get high on our love for each other, would only make the withdrawal worse. Going through every day without her would make it harder, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to help myself. Besides, I didn’t want to regret not spending time with her when I had the chance… After all, I wasn’t even sure if I could make it a month without being able to see her. A year… That was just unnatural. My heart and gut cried for me to stay with Sara, and not to let her go, and especially not to Reaverthorne.

But it would be wrong to try to prevent her from leaving. She was going, and that was final. And this hadn’t even been decided by me.

I was in a shit mood while I was in class, unfortunately a math class. I was terrible at the subject beyond simply solving for X, but I had been advised to take a couple of extra courses. Once I was done taking notes and writing down the homework, which Sara would help me with, I just zoned out. When people began leaving, I realized that class had ended. I looked down at the table in front of me and realized that the TA had handed back our quizzes. After glancing at the not-so-terrible grade, I stuffed the paper into my bag and stood up to leave.

Then I heard the sound of someone crying. I looked to the back of the room, to see a guy with his hood up and his face buried in his arms, which were crossed in front of him on the table. I slowly approached and slipped into the seat next to him.

"Hey, I'm Tegan," I introduced myself softly.

He glanced up and furiously wiped at his face. He kept his head down, but sat back in his chair, slouching, his arms crossed over his chest. This exposed his quiz, which had an F on it.

I grimaced in understanding, put placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I'm not very good at math either," I assured him. "But it's going to be ok, I promise you. The professor said she was willing to personally tutor any students, and her TAs are also able to tutor. I know it seems hopeless right now, but it's going to be fine. This isn’t the end, as long as you don’t give up." He met my eyes and threw his arms around my neck in a hug, which I reciprocated.

"Thanks," He managed.

"Don't worry about it," I replied, gently patting his back.

He let go and pushed his hood off. I offered a packet of tissues from my backpack, which he accepted. "My name is Mike," He said after blowing his nose.

"Nice to meet you." I smiled pleasantly at him. "You ok?"

"I am now, thanks." He smiled back.

"I need to get going, but I'll see you around, ok? And don't be afraid to ask for help." I stood up and left to head to work, continuing my internal soliloquy.

Part of the reason I loved Sara so much was that she would only do what she wanted, and maybe if she was in the mood, listen to me. I loved how stubborn and hard-headed she could be. But I couldn't just pick and choose what I wanted her to be stubborn about. That just wasn't right or healthy. And Reaverthorne was her choice. God... why did I have to keep re-deciding to just let her go?

Because I didn't want her to go. And it wasn't just due to my own selfishness either. But despite everything, I had my own moral code that I had to follow. Either road I chose, it wasn't going to be easy to face myself in the mirror.

If I let Sara go, I would feel naked and alone. I would miss her like nothing else and worry that something might happen to her. If that did occur because I let her leave, I would feel like it was all my fault and that I should have worked harder to protect the one I loved. But on the other hand, I would feel guilty for holding her back from something she had wanted to do. I would feel like I had been selfish. I might become controlling, even. That thought made me shudder.

Either side had cons. But the latter would mean an unhealthy (or... unhealthier) relationship, which sounded worse than trusting that she would be able to handle herself and arranging a system with her for me to know that she was alright. Besides, Sara always had an ulterior motive and a method that she wasn't telling anyone.

I was having a rather shitty day due to my mood and having to rethink all reasoning for my decision, and because I was so in my head, I dropped some empty plates. I swore violently under my breath. I was so frustrated that I almost started crying, and I felt even more like shit as I had to clean up my mess myself, watching everyone else go about their business. I nicked my finger on a shard of broken plate and had to finish cleaning up before I could clean and put a Band-Aid on it. When I was taking orders, it seemed like everyone was in a rush, and that I couldn’t do anything right.

I figured my day would improve upon returning to Sara after picking up some stuff from my apartment, but I was wrong.

“Hey, I had the worst day,” I said as I barged into her apartment. “Can I tell you about it?”

“Shh, go take a shower, give me a minute,” She said, waving a hand at me from her computer.

I grumbled but listened to her. Because I still felt like shit, I sat down on the floor of the shower, arms wrapped around my legs, knees tucked under my chin and just stayed like that as the hot water hit my hair and back, washing away the suds.

She opened the door because I left it ajar. “Are you going to be done soon?”

“Yeah,” I replied, just loud enough to be heard over the sound of the spray.

“Good, because I got dinner delivered and we don’t want it getting cold. Don’t make me come in there.” Her voice was playful. But she was gone before I looked at her face. I let out a small noise of further frustration. I took a deep breath before finishing up and getting dressed, even toweling my hair enough to not be gross and wet to the touch.

She was sitting on the counter of the kitchen, holding a plate of pizza. A bottle of beer was open next to her. I hopped up next to her and rested my head on her shoulder. She passed me a plate with a slice on it, but I just held it in my lap. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

“Are you having a rough time because you don’t want me to go?” She asked softly.

I thought about lying, but that would only be counterproductive. “… Yeah.” I admitted with a whisper.

“Oh, Tee.” Sara set her plate down and embraced me.

“I don’t want to let you go, but I know I can’t hold you back… it just wouldn’t be right.” I explained, fighting back tears. I moved the plate off of my lap and onto the counter. “I know I need to trust you because I know you’re strong and capable and brilliant, but if something happened to you… I’d hate myself for letting you go. Sara… I just… I love you so much, and I want our relationship to be as healthy as it can be, but it’s Reaverthorne. How could I let someone I love so much go to fucking _Reaverthorne?_ ”

“Tegan, I swear to you, I do have a plan. I can’t tell you everything now, but this isn’t because I want to be away from you. I do think that the distance will make it so we can think about our relationship, but that’s not why I planned this. This is mainly to help my career so that a good future is guaranteed, and I have options. I figured out that I would need options if I wanted to keep you in my life with the way we’ve been going.” Sara explained.

I lifted my head from her shoulder and stared into her eyes. Her hand cupped my cheek, which made me feel safe.

“I’ve done so much research on Reaverthorne. I didn’t tell you because I wanted to have a full plan first.” She continued. “I promise, Tegan, I will let you in on everything once it is in place. Thank you for trusting me, because it makes everything so much easier. This is for both of us. Well… if you want it, once I explain everything.”

“I trust you.” I murmured.

“And I will do everything in my power not to fail you,” Sara vowed, holding my face in her hands. Her lips went to my forehead, and then for a moment, we gazed into each other’s eyes before kissing. “Now, tell me about your day.” She requested upon pulling away.

We were turning into the type of people who had sex in the morning, rather than the evening, apparently. The thing was, the evening had everything that had occurred during the day, it carried all of the emotional journeys, conclusions, and disappointments over the progression of time that we were awake. Mornings could be stressful, but we preferred to wake up early and naturally so that we could have more time to adjust to being conscious in the world.

“How long until you leave?” I asked across the pillow we were sharing. We were laying on our sides, facing each other.

“A few weeks.” She replied. “Did you know… I applied there as an editor. They don’t have any book production there, but I’ll be editing their newspaper. It’s hard to get into the publishing industry, so I figured I would be able to give myself a boost by working in the place that always has jobs open.”

“You really do know what you’re doing,” I remarked in admiration. “I never really doubted you, but I did worry…”

“It’s ok, Tee.” She kissed the tip of my nose.

“I can’t actually believe that this is happening,” I confessed.

“I know, it’s actually pretty hard to believe.” She agreed. And then she seemed to grow sad. “I can imagine you not being around, but the thought seems surreal and empty. I daresay being without you in Reaverthorne is going to be… Soulless.”

It was too dark for me to see her face, but she hungrily kissed me, as though she had been starved. And then she pulled me against her, and we fell asleep like that.

Because everything had been settled, and I was no longer feeling conflicted, we relaxed into an easier rhythm together. We didn’t need to spend every night together, but we did have dinner together each evening, even if I worked late. Those were the days that one of us would stay over at the other’s. When I didn’t have work, I’d come to help Sara pack up her things. She had explained that she wouldn’t be returning to her Calgary apartment, which I understood. I hadn’t planned on staying forever either, but it had just so happened that I hadn’t managed to move away.

The date Sara was leaving loomed over our heads, though. When one of us did spend the night, we were all over each other and fucked until we were too exhausted to keep going, and then rested in each other’s arms, sleeping until we awoke again.

We mapped out our plan. Sara would take a cab there, having sent several boxes via the post system. I had begged her to let me go with her, but she’d put her foot down, and refused to let me go to Reaverthorne. She wouldn’t even let me have her address, instead giving it to our mother so that I wouldn’t go after her. She promised that when it had been a year, I could come down to see her and we would meet in the next town over. Until then, we’d try to talk on the phone every day. Of course, we both knew that wasn’t nearly enough, but it was the best we could manage.

I’m still not sure how I released her from my embrace to let her leave and get in that cab. She left me with a shirt she often wore to bed, for when I missed her too much. I clutched it in my arms, inhaling. It didn’t smell like her, but I imagined her in it. So I wore it to bed that night, though I didn’t do much sleeping. Mainly, I stared into the dark, missing her and worrying.

The first month Sara was gone, I isolated myself from others. I kept the phone near me at all times, it seemed. I felt like a zombie when I was at work or in class. I was just waiting to get home so that I could wait by the phone for Sara’s call. And true to her word, she did call every day. She asked me to tell her about my day, my thoughts, what I had learned in class, the types of people I had encountered in Tim Horton’s. She always sounded like she had been through a desert, and my phone call was an oasis. For me, the world had no life, but speaking to her did. We weren’t shy about having phone sex.

“You really wouldn’t like it here… People aren’t very friendly.” Sara told me within the first week of getting there. “I mean, they use all of their formalities, but they don’t really seem to mean it when they say please and thank you, you know?”

“Ugh, I would not want to be a server there.” I wrinkled my nose.

“Restaurants are very well-attended, though. Everyone but me seems to go out to all of their meals.” She replied. “I don’t want to be around people all of the fucking time, so I make my own food.”

“Have you met any people you want to befriend?” That was code for me asking if she’d met any other women.

“Ha!” She scoffed. “Nope. These women aren’t my type. Plus, I haven’t met anyone who seems interested in a relationship. Or even casual sex. Or even a real friendship.”

“It sounds so lonely over there…” I remarked, furrowing my eyebrows.

“That’s part of the point.” She replied. I could just envision her eyebrow quirking, and the satisfied smile she adopted when something was going according to her plan. It was always an attractive look, but I was more concerned with the fact that she was there alone, and I couldn’t get to her. I didn’t know what would happen to Sara in Reaverthorne… if she came home different, I was ready to charge in, swing my fists until I went down. Though, I did hold faith in Sara; that she would never go down willingly. I had to remind myself of this fact constantly because my fear would not leave.

“I know that you know what you’re doing…” I began but stopped. “Never mind. I… I love you, Sara. And I support you.” I swallowed, realizing that I was closer to her than anyone else would ever be. “I just want you to be aware of that.”

She was quiet for a moment, until: “I know.” She said, her voice strong and confident.

I couldn’t stop my smile.

The second month sparked the start of me masturbating and pretending that it was her touching me. I imagined her lips right by my ear, her breath tickling my flesh as she whispered things to me. Sometimes it was commands, others it was gentle and loving words. And I would intentionally keep my hands cold as I caressed myself, to make it feel more genuine. But after the pleasure faded, be it when I woke up after falling asleep, or once my orgasm was long gone, I would look at my surroundings, glance down at myself and sigh, the shame covering me like a suffocating, itchy blanket. Being alone made me more susceptible to all negative feelings.

I did consider seeing other people while Sara was gone, but for the time being, I decided I wasn’t ready. I would only compare the poor person to my real lover and feel guilty that I was seeing others while she couldn’t, according to what she said. So many a free time was spent with me playing sad songs on my stereo and putting together puzzles I bought from thrift shops, just me and my little pity party.

“I miss you,” I admitted. “I’m not trying to guilt you into coming home, I swear…. I just… I do miss you.”

“I know you do, babe. I miss you too.” Sara’s voice was unexpectedly tender, the way she would usually only speak to me post-coitus. “I wish I could just come to your apartment and we could lay together, and forget about the rest of the world.”

“Don’t even put the thought in my head.” I pleaded. “Otherwise it’ll be all I can think about.”

“There’s something attractive about the idea of knowing I’m all you can think about.” She remarked, making a quick shift from sweet to sensual.

“If that’s what keeps you warm at night…” I replied, not caring if I felt lonely later; it would feel good now if I played her games. Besides, those on Sara’s side always won.

“It _is_ what keeps me hot at night, when I’m all alone, only my thoughts of you to keep me company.” I could hear her smirking. “Touch yourself.”

I couldn’t _not_ obey. I wanted her too bad.

“Touch myself the way you touch me or the way I touch me?” I asked, my hand slipping into my sweatpants.

“Mmm, I love that. I say jump, you ask how high.” Sara practically purred, and I could tell she was masturbating. Nobody could make me feel sexy the way Sara could, and nobody could get me in the mood the way she could. “Touch yourself the way you want tonight.”

“I want you on top of me, inside me…” I mimicked her style of teasing me in the way that I loved but pretended to hate, though she always saw right through me.

“I want to hold your hair in my fist as you eat me out.” Sara practically growled.

“I want you to make me yours.” I gasped.

“I love it when you bring me back to life,” Sara whispered, but it barely registered in my mind as I rubbed my clit.

By the fourth month, she always sounded tired when I called, but she’d become animated upon talking to me. She didn’t like to talk about how things were over there, but she hadn’t changed enough for me to really worry. She mentioned walking to her destinations, so perhaps she was just tired from being on her feet a lot. I knew that I would make sure nothing happened to her through constantly worrying. But it was always my Sara whom I talked to. Well, not ‘my’ Sara, but it was the one I had grown up with and fallen in love with. She wasn’t mine because Sara belonged to nobody but herself. But I felt as though I was hers, in a way. She was her own, and we could share me because I wanted to share everything with her.

The only thing that even halfway kept my mind off of her was organizing a baby shower for Ted and Mandy’s baby. I was the only one who had really pushed for it; everyone else clung to the idea that it wasn’t their business, but once I came up with a plan, people began to help. It always irked me that if someone was crying at a table, I was the only one who ever talked to them, even when I was a dishwasher for the day. I understood the sentiment of privacy and minding your own business, but that didn’t mean I always agreed with it.

Sara didn’t necessarily care about others, but she understood why I did and found it beautiful that I liked to help those around me when that wasn’t the societal norm. She admired those with a rebellious streak, even though I often protested that particular adjective. Trying to help others, even complete strangers, isn’t revolutionary, it was always just something that I felt and believed in.

 As a child, I had always been told to mind my own business, but our parents never discouraged compassion, but for the wrong reasons, in my opinion. They believed that I could pursue a career in nursing or social work or something. That was before it was discovered that I wasn’t as smart on paper as they had hoped. Because they had been so vocal in their dreams of my future, they seemed to feel bad about making me feel stupid when I just didn’t test well or have a knack for most school subjects. So I became the favorite, the one they were most lenient on. Besides, they saw no reason to get very involved with Sara’s life. She could handle herself and had things figured out. They didn’t need to run interference because she was too smart to get caught, even when she sought out trouble.

When I told her about the baby shower, she remarked on how Reaverthorne was more of a community than Calgary. This confused me because she’d mentioned that nobody was interested in a relationship over there and that it was lonely. So I questioned her on it.

“I didn’t think it was worth mentioning that while people aren’t interested in starting relationships, there’s a heavy emphasis on being part of the community, which makes me an outcast.” She replied. “But, since you’re so curious, you’re expected to eat out at restaurants for every meal with specific groups. For breakfast, I’m supposed to meet up with a group of people from my apartment building who all have to be at work at a certain time. At lunch, I have to go out with my coworkers. And for dinner, my floor in my apartment building is supposed to all go someplace.”

“’Supposed,’” I noted.

“I don’t really like it though. People talk about things, but it’s all meaningless. Everyone is supposed to know everything about each other, but nobody has any close relationships.” I could just imagine her making a face of disgust about this. “The only person who is allowed to know even most things about me is you. I’m too private for the people here. So I just kind of get groceries and eat my own food a lot of the time. It makes me an outcast, but I’d rather be lonely than have these people know all of my deepest darkest secrets. That’s why…” Her voice grew softer. “That’s why I call you every day.”

I felt a tug towards her in my heart. Sara never admitted to weakness, ever. To be lonely was weakness. I’d never heard her seriously say that she was lonely. Of course, she’d said such things when flirting with me over the phone and summoning me to come over. So this made me want to run the distance between us in order to hold her in my arms again. But even if Sara was willing to admit to feeling weak, she was strong enough to overcome it, I knew her. She was strong enough to rise above it. Besides, she clearly had a solution: talking to me every day. But if she felt this way after only three full months, there were still eight full months left for her to go through before the year she’d planned on staying there was finished. I knew that she could handle herself better than I could. So I had a choice between being confident in her or constantly worrying. So I decided that because Sara was the one who knew more about the situation in Reaverthorne, it was likely best if she worried about herself, and I simply supported her, like a good sister/lover. I had no idea what her everyday life was exactly like, what micro-challenges she dealt with. So I would simply maintain my faith in her.

“Is your plan still the same?” I asked.

“Yes.” She replied, her voice filling with strength and determination after previously lapsing. “I’m going to do this, and I’ll be a couple steps higher, and I’ll have more choices.”

“With the way you’re talking, it makes me want to follow you to boost my career too,” I admitted.

“Tegan… no. I know that you make your own choices and that I shouldn’t interfere, but I hope you’ll take my advice. You would be miserable here. I know I’m here, but I was fully aware of what I was getting into. You won’t be. Please understand that I miss you and wish you were with me, but I don’t want to subject you to the people and culture here.” She said slowly, seeming to choose her words carefully. “Please don’t seriously consider following me here. I would hate to have done that to you. Please, just trust me.”

“I trust you, I do. I just…” I sighed.

“I know it’s a bit of a leap of faith, and I’m sorry. I don’t like asking this of you. But please, promise me you won’t come here until I give you the full explanation, once it has been a full year.” She pleaded.

“Would you beg anyone else not to come there? Honestly.” Sure, I would listen to her, but I had a right to test her.

“I’d advise against it, but I wouldn’t be as adamant with anyone who wasn’t you.” She said, sounding honest. I knew what Sara was capable of, how convincingly she could lie. But I also knew that she loved me. I didn’t have any airtight proof for anyone. But I knew in my heart that she was being truthful about everything. Sure, she was more self-interested and held less compassion than most people I knew, which was not easy, but at this point in our lives, she would never try to hurt me. Besides, I didn’t know how to _not_ love her. We went together like two halves of a whole. Two opposites that evened each other out.

“I trust you.” I reminded her. She should have already known this, but it was good to make sure she remembered.

“Thank you. I won’t let you down.” Her voice sounded relieved.

The months stretched out in front of us, seeming to take forever. Our phone calls felt more and more like oases in the midst of days full of desert. There was an unspoken agreement not to miss a phone call because to do so was to make the other travel for another day in the unforgiving plains without a drink of water. We kept each other going every day until we could meet again.

I lost interest in my friends around me because none of them could fill the place of Sara’s company. Besides, many of them were friendships I had simply continued from high school. Because I was the odd one out in trying to be altruistic, these so-called friends had teased me time and time again for caring about and helping others, and not even becoming a doctor in order to capitalize on my tendencies. Perhaps, as a teenager, I just didn’t want to be alone, and Sara had been there to ward off the teasing because a lot of people found her disconcerting and abrasive. And while we both had brown belts in judo, she was the one who people believed she did. But without her, I was the butt of the joke more often. Not in a malicious way, though. I was just different, which made it easier for them to tease me about little things.

But was nostalgia over middle and high school really worth spending time with them? I somewhat enjoyed their company, but not a whole lot. It was more like doing a chore out of habit that I didn’t completely dislike. Because Sara had mentioned how she wasn’t planning on coming back to Calgary, I had little reason to maintain a close friendship with them, especially when I felt like the only thing I could contribute to conversations was updates on my twin due to my job and classes being uninteresting to them. However, there was little about Sara that I could mention to them because not only was a lot of stuff just between us, there also wasn’t a lot going on in her life for me to mention.

She bemoaned the repetitive nature of everything in Reaverthorne, which made me ask what was so different about Calgary, upon realizing that it wasn’t much better other places. We go to work, we come home, we prepare meals, we occasionally visit others. What else was there?

“I guess the thing that makes everything feel worse here than there is that I’m isolated from you, our family, the people we hung out with, as well as my neighbors. There’s nobody to form a connection with.” She explained, edging into a rant. “It’s so lifeless here. At least other places, people have their own lives that they’re living and going about, and even enjoying. But people here aren’t enjoying _or_ disliking their lives. Most of them are just content with what they have and don’t seek more. People in Calgary at least, have things that they want. The only reason I’m—” She stopped like someone who had gained momentum running into a wall, albeit one she had put up herself. She cleared her throat as though that would erase what she’d said, but because Sara rarely let what she said get so far ahead of her that she stopped what she was saying, I would remember this. She almost never stopped herself in the middle of the sentence because she always knew what she wanted to say, and seemed to execute it to her standard every time. Until now, apparently.

“Have you seen Rob?” I asked softly. I wasn’t going to push her to finish what she was saying. I was confused and curious, but more than that, I trusted Sara.

“No, and to be perfectly honest with you, I haven’t even looked.” She confessed, sounding tired. She took a deep breath. “I don’t really feel like talking right now… but will you tell me things? I want to hear your voice.”

“Of course.” I agreed tenderly. “I’m thinking about doing volunteer work because classes are ending soon, and I’ll need something else to occupy my time.”

“People are going to think you did something illegal,” Sara warned me teasingly, but it was true. People really only ever did community service if they had committed a misdemeanor and wanted to work off their sentence.

“I don’t really care what other people think. Well, except for you. I want to try to help other people. Things are really repetitive, except talking to you, and I just think that if I have some spare time, I should do something good with it. When I miss you, one of the only things that make it suck less is doing stuff for other people.” I explained. “Throwing the baby shower for Ted and Mandy felt really good, and I want to do more stuff like that, but for people who don’t have very much. Anyway… it’s mainly just something I’m thinking seriously about doing. Nothing for sure yet.” I sighed, pausing. “Anyway, on an only _slightly_ off topic, I was at work the other day and I had to intervene with a couple where the boyfriend was talking over his girlfriend when she was trying to order for herself. He tried to make her get a salad and water instead of a sandwich and soda. Chris was just standing there, not doing anything about it. I was cleaning up tables and I overheard this bullshit going on and I had to butt in and look like a rude person just because I didn’t think that was ok. The boyfriend complained to my manager, but I didn’t get in trouble because my manager said that him arguing with his girlfriend in public was grounds for me butting in and dealing with the situation in order to keep the peace.” I rolled my eyes. “I mean, I’m not mad that I’m not in trouble, I just… I just wish that the deciding factors were different.”

“I love it when you stand up for what you know is right.” Her voice was dripping with adoration.

I paused. Sara had never said it like that before. She’d said that it was beautiful how I stuck to my own beliefs, how stubborn I was, or how rebellious I was against social norms and values, but this was a new way of saying it. I instinctually turned my head away as I smiled, even though nobody was there to see me.

My past relationships had found it tiresome that I insisted upon getting involved in situations wherein I tried to help others. Time and time again, I had been told that I should just mind my own business, or to channel it elsewhere… that I should do something worthwhile with it and my life instead of being a meddlesome waitress and become something respectable, like a doctor or defense attorney. After that one, I broke up with her, and Sara refused to admit it, but I was pretty sure that ex’s tires had been slashed after I told Sara what had been said. To her, I was always more than enough, which didn’t always feel like the case in my other romantic relationships. With others, they seemed to always cling to this version of myself that I strayed from the more I got comfortable with another person, but they would still be projecting the refined version of myself onto me and would be surprised by me being true to myself. But Sara wasn’t like that. Perhaps it was the fact that we had grown up together and because we had changed so much, we expected that, and just let each other be who she wanted to be.

“I love the fact that you see me for who I am instead of who you want me to be,” I replied, a lump in my throat. “I miss you… a lot.”

“I miss you too, Teetee,” Sara assured me, her voice as soft as silk.

I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like if we were back with each other.

To celebrate the fact that I had made it to the halfway point, I bought myself a one-person cake to pick at while I talked to Sara on the phone. I’d made it to the top of the hill, and Sara talked me through touching myself in the way that she wanted to touch me, and anything but her remained forgotten until Sara inevitably had to hang up, and I was reminded of how empty and quiet my apartment was. There was the ambient noise of others living their lives outside the walls of my residence, but I felt disconnected from them, and the only person whom I genuinely wanted to be around was away from me.

At this point, I was willing to even follow Sara directly into the depths of Hell itself, because a year away from her was turning out to be the loneliest year of my life, and I had been a pretty angsty adolescent, especially before I knew I was gay. That was because Sara had always been there, whether we were clawing at each other’s throats or behaved like best friends forever. Sara and I just understood each other’s existence, like we could feel each other on a wavelength that others could not experience.

The slow descent to the downhill part of the year was tedious. I became more frustrated with time not moving faster… probably because I glared at my watch, wishing it would tick tick tick faster. I avoided our mom’s calls on the off chance that she did reach out.

Making it to month eight felt like finally crawling a mile in the dead of winter with insufficient clothing. Sara was like a fire that would warm me. But her calls weren’t enough to keep me going, so I decided to just say fuck it and volunteer at a homeless shelter. I was asked what I was doing community service for and everyone seemed rather shocked that I was just doing it because I want to. I knew that this would happen, but I simply couldn’t keep my existence revolving around my job, where I engaged socially, even if I didn’t fit in perfectly, and my calls with Sara, which were almost but never enough to make me feel like I had arrived home after a long journey.

Volunteer work made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile with my time spent not talking to Sara, and I felt better about myself and my life.

Months nine and ten left me so close, yet so far. I let myself fantasize about what I would do or say to Sara when we were finally able to meet again. Regardless of the setting, I would hug her. If we were in private, I would kiss her hungrily, after having been starved of her. If we were in public, I might have trouble letting her out of my embrace… At least in private, we could kiss and maybe even fuck if we were ambitious, which I knew Sara was.

Once I reached the eleventh month, I started counting down the days until Sara and I would meet again. Our reunion was so close I could taste her lips on mine. At Sara’s insistence, we would meet at a bus station in a city ten miles away from Reaverthorne. There was a town that was closer but she put her foot down on meeting there. I agreed with whatever she said because I was desperate to share a space with her again… To hold her, to kiss her, to feel her.

I wondered if people around me could sense the excitement vibrating off of me. I desperately wanted to talk about it to any person who would listen, but this just wasn’t something anyone talked about. Our relationships and home life were our personal business, and personal business had no place in public.

I could barely sleep the night before I went to the Greyhound station and began my journey to Manitoba. I packed a duffle bag with a few changes of clothes, just in case. Sara had refused to make a plan for some reason or another, likely because she already had her own in place. Sure, I didn’t love the fact that she was holding something back, but I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, this entire thing was her plan for herself in the first place. Over the phone, she had assured me that everything would be explained once we saw each other again. I knew that I never actually had to follow along with her plans, but I just knew that it was the wisest thing to do. So for that reason, I had never chased after her in order to play the heroine. Sara didn’t need saving, and I trusted her.

The consequence of my insomnia was the fact that I fell asleep on the bus to Winnipeg, but there really wasn’t much else to do, especially since this ride was going to be around thirteen hours. I had extra batteries for my Walkman just in case, but the only reason I needed my headphones was to muffle the sounds of others and used my hood to block out light. Every so often I would wake up to devour a snack and chug some water, or use the bathroom, but close my eyes again and inevitably fall asleep and be greeted by dreams about Sara again.

I transferred buses when I arrived in Winnipeg. I still had hours to go before I reached the station where Sara and I would meet, and a couple more buses to ride. She promised she would be waiting for me, and I imagined how she looked… After all, it had been a year since I had seen her face.

My anticipation was growing, and my gut felt like a bunch of butterflies had thrown a keg party with Red Bull mixed with maple syrup and were engaging in a rave. It was raining outside, and I was glad that I had brought an umbrella. But I was sitting upright, my knee bouncing, my hands fidgeting as I wanted to grab my bags and go, but I couldn’t… not yet. The bus was still moving, and most of my stuff was in the storage compartment. Besides, I couldn’t see Sara yet. I wasn’t sure where she was waiting, but knowing how she thought, I wouldn’t be able to miss her.

I bounced from one foot to the other as I waited for my duffle bag. My backpack was on, my umbrella was up, and I was just waiting to get my bag so I could find the love of my life. The second my hands touched the handles of my duffle bag, I was impatiently striding into the bus station because Sara wasn’t on any of the benches outside. Glancing around, I still didn’t see her, and I began growing anxious. I paused, taking a good look at the face of each person who sat at in the waiting area. None of them were Sara. So I moved on to the front of the station, and right next to the door, I saw someone who looked like her. But this person was very pale and her hair was short, dark, and greasy… Wait a minute…

My breath left me as it felt like a bubble around the two of us had been created, leaving our own universe, our own reality… It was like a scene in a movie, where the background noise faded, and all I could hear was my own pounding heart. I felt like someone else was taking control of my body as I took the laborious steps towards her. She was reading a book and there was a paper cup of coffee next to her, still steaming

She looked up, and our eyes connected, and she lowered the book, making my heart stop and my gut drop. She looked exhausted, intense dark circles under her eyes. She wore a button up with slacks and a belt, which wasn’t something I had known Sara to ever wear on a regular basis. She’d cut her hair, but apparently grown out her bangs, and it apparently hadn’t been washed in days. Her skin was almost sickly pale, and she had grown thinner. To be honest, she looked like hell...

“Sara…” I couldn’t find any other words. My eyebrows were furrowed in concern. Sara was always this strong, clever person. I had never seen her look as terrible as this, in the twenty-five years we had been alive together. I didn’t know what to do. My hands, held down by my duffle bag and the folded umbrella, simply hung by my sides. I thought I would want to jump her bones the second I saw her again, but I actually wanted to cry. Part of me reflexively wanted to bring her to a hospital, or deny the fact that this was my sister because this wasn’t my Sara, it couldn’t be…

“I’m sorry,” She murmured, placing her book to the side as she stood up. She took my face in her icy cold hands. Tears blurred my vision and stung my eyes, but her thumb brushed them away the second they leaked down my cheeks. “I know I have a lot of explaining to do. But first and foremost, I want you to know that I’m alright and I’ll be even better soon, ok?”

Despite my trembling lips, I nodded. I had to believe her. It would be so easy to get angry and yell at her for lying, but Sara had to have a reasonable answer. She wouldn’t have lied to me without a good reason. I was too overwhelmed to try to argue for the time being.

Sara rose to her toes and gently kissed my forehead before gathering her things and leading me outside. She got us a cab and held my hand in the backseat. I felt like I was in shock. I didn’t even have very many questions… I just couldn’t believe that she looked like she was in such terrible condition. It looked so wrong and surreal. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I was the one who was supposed to be a mess from not being around her, and she was better than ever. But regardless, I followed her out of the cab when we arrived at the hotel (which would have surprised me at how nice it was in any other situation). Sara checked in and then led me to our room.

Once we were inside, she ordered room service, which seemed like a meal for three people plus dessert, and then turned to me and asked what I wanted while I was taking off my shoes and semi-unpacking. I mumbled that I would just share with her.

I wasn’t sure how to talk to Sara. My eyes lingered on her as she changed into some more comfortable clothes. Her ribs were showing, and I quickly looked away as she turned back around.

“Tegan… I didn’t want you to be worried while I was away because I knew that if I was hundred percent honest with you, you’d have come to get me. But that would have ruined my plan.” Sara explained softly.

“I don’t… I don’t understand…” I whispered. I was avoiding eye contact.

“What I’m going to tell you is going to seem unbelievable, so you’ll have to bear with me,” Sara replied with a sigh.

“You know I trust you.” I murmured, still staring at the carpet.

“Reaverthorne isn’t… It’s not normal. But there’s a reason. There’s something about it, something inhabiting it. And that something… It sucks away your soul. Those who have no desires or passions are most vulnerable to it, and that’s why people who don’t know what they want to do with their lives often move there. They don’t come back because they live and die there, so their soul can feed whatever thing inhabits the place.” She sounded and looked completely serious, but I was thrown for a loop.

“Wh-what?” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “Sara… what?”

“I get it, that’s a lot to take in. It’s difficult to accept because it doesn’t seem like that could possibly be real. But Tegan, I need you to believe it, because there’s more.” She pleaded.

I stood up and began pacing, unable to sit still. I didn’t exactly believe in the supernatural, but people had made rumors about Reaverthorne for years, so I did have to wonder. However, how did I know Sara was telling the truth? She looked like she had been severely neglected. But then again, Sara wouldn’t just let anyone treat her like that. But then again, what did I know about my own twin sister? She was the best liar I knew, and the only reason I could give that she wouldn’t be lying was that she promised me an explanation and that she didn’t like lying to me. But how did I actually know that she was being truthful? She’d proved that she was willing to keep things from me when she wanted/needed to. Honestly, this was going the direction of how I knew I could trust Sara. Reason said that I shouldn’t because I knew from memory how she could be. But my heart and soul said I should believe her; that I should have faith in what she said. After all, she wasn’t finished talking. And perhaps I should trust my intuition once in a while. I was being reasonable too; I did have doubt and didn’t immediately just trust her no matter what. So I was level-headed enough to learn more and then make a final decision.

By this time, there was a knock on the door with the room service that Sara had ordered arriving. She looked at me, her face almost sheepish.

“Tee, can you please answer the door? I… I look like…” She trailed off.

“Yeah, of course,” I replied softly, my face falling. She got up moved out of the view of the person who would be delivering the food. I made pleasantries with the guy, who was surprised that I was talking to him. I gave him a tip, which he tried to refuse.

As soon as possible, Sara began to ravenously devour the different dishes in front of us, heading straight for the pasta with white sauce. My heart wanted to cry at the sight of her scarfing down the fettuccini like she hadn’t eaten in days.

“You… you ate enough, right?” I asked timidly. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

Sara paused and finished chewing and swallowing. “I did, I promise. I ate enough, I slept enough, and I went out in the sunshine. I swear to you, Tegan, I did my best to stop myself from looking like this. I… I guess this is just what happens when you have to spend twenty-four-seven fighting to hold onto your soul. In Reaverthorne… you’ll have a hard time believing this but… it’s like existing in a black and white movie. Everything around you is black and white, but people are at different stages. The more someone exists in greyscale, the more their soul has left them. The color… the life… it just fades out of them the longer they are there. It usually only takes a month or so…” Sara swallowed, looking like she wanted to cry.

“What made you different?” I found myself inquiring. I felt bad as soon as I asked that, but it was something I genuinely wanted to know.

“You,” Sara replied, the faintest smile of love and endearment painting itself on her lips. “I found that… I could feel myself staying more of who I am the more I thought about you, and about how… Well… I went there and got that job so that… if you wanted, we could be together.” She quickly looked down at her food and took a bite of pasta.

“Can you explain your entire plan to me?” I could feel my heart picking up speed. Sara did this… for me?

“I wanted to get out of Calgary, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get the job I wanted—a publishing editor. I have no degree, I have no experience… But I realized that there’s always a demand for all sorts of jobs in Reaverthorne, though I’d heard the questionable things… so I did some research. I knew that Rob went there, among others, so I went there just to investigate. Something felt… off there. I was immediately tired, and everything and everyone there was monochromatic, aside from a small number who were almost completely in black and white. I could feel something calling me to come live there, come be part of their community forever… For every reason I could think of to say no, it would refute that argument. So… I did what I do best and manipulated the voice into promising me what I wanted. And then I left the city for the day. I could feel the difference between simply existing in Reaverthorne and the town next to it… and the next morning, I went back and formed my plan with each of its steps. Whatever it was would most certainly give me anything as long as I came to feed it. Obviously, it planned on keeping me there in some other way, kind of a ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it’ type situation, which I exploited.

“Too many people know us in Calgary, but with my year of experience in Reaverthorne, I can go anywhere, and if you want, you can come with me. We can be together, be seen together in public… Nobody would care. With that in mind, I promised myself that I would make it through a year because I wanted to give us a chance to be together without having to bend over backward to hide everything.” Sara explained, her voice quiet. Perhaps it was the lighting, but her lips weren’t as pale, and the dark circles were more purple than grey, compared to when I first saw her in the bus station.

I swallowed my feelings, which threatened to spill out in the form of incoherent words strung together. I wasn’t completely sure that there actually was something supernatural in Reaverthorne, but Sara would use that sort of thing to her advantage and help her get what she wanted. I did have to admit that she could be looking the way she did due to poor health. But poor health from what? Any number of things could have happened to her… No, no, I didn’t want to think about that. But what if it did, and she was just trying to hide it in the most ridiculous way? Though, that still did not explain why she was looking better already, because both the bus station and hotel room were using natural lighting. Nothing natural would leave her looking that much better already. And her condition clearly wasn’t fake, because I was close enough to see if she was wearing makeup, and she was not. I decided that it was best to believe her so far. Anyone else and I would have been extremely hesitant, but Sara isn’t just anyone.

“How… How did you resist losing your soul? And how did you end up… well… like that?” I wasn’t sure if this was something Sara would have wanted to answer, but it was something I wanted to know. Sure Sara was stubborn… but a year in a place that was trying to suck out her soul?

“Like I mentioned, people without passions or desires are more vulnerable to the calls of Reaverthorne. They also tend not to arouse suspicion if they stay there. But I suppose that whatever is there will eat any soul that is made available.” Sara grimaced, which made my heart bleed. By the tone of her voice, and the way she sat there in front of me, I could tell through her body language that she was telling the version of reality she genuinely believed to be true. “Every day there was exhausting, and sleep did little to replenish my energy. I suppose it was a mental struggle each day to hold onto my soul, and that’s where my energy went. I developed a larger appetite, which is likely why I lost weight. And maybe sleep left only my subconscious to fight to keep my soul, so I guess I didn’t get that much rest. I know that I lasted this long because we’d talk to each other every day… and when we weren’t talking, I just envisioned a future together. When every other reason to be there didn’t seem worth it…” Sara cleared her throat, and then stared deep into my eyes like our souls were reaching out to touch each other. “You kept me from dying the worst death anyone could ever experience. I could feel it trying to take me, every single day, but I knew you were waiting for me. That’s how I did it.” With the last sentence, her voice was barely audible and she dropped eye contact.

I threw my arms around Sara and held onto her as though she was in danger of being taken from me. I wasn’t crying, but my eyes were shedding tears. I buried my face into her neck, where her skin was soft. Sara hugged me back with one arm, and gently stroked my hair with the other. It took a while for me to pull away, but when I did, I noticed her skin wasn’t so… colorless.

“You… You look better.” I pointed out, slightly confused.

“It doesn’t surprise me.” She replied, shrugging, and continuing to eat, this time selecting a hamburger from amongst the dishes she had ordered, and taking a large bite. She let out a small moan of appreciation at the food.

I was quiet for a moment. “I really missed you… I felt like I was alone, and everyone was just… fine and normal. I feel like I belong better when you’re with me.”

“You had the opposite problem I did… I was being sucked into being part of a whole… It’s so fucking hard to be an individual in Reaverthorne.” Sara shook her head. “I love the society outside… people mind their own business, they leave each other alone… I know that you feel differently, and I’m making Reaverthorne sound good right now, but trust me, it’s awful. There’s not really supposed to be individuality at all. I… I never want you to be subjected to that.” She looked up at me through her eyelashes, concern coloring her face. I could see her imagining me in her place, and it was obvious she would do anything in her power to prevent that.

“We have to get your stuff back from there.” I reminded her. “And I’m not letting you go back into the belly of the beast alone.”

Sara let out a sigh. “I don’t want to go back… but you’re right. Just… give me a couple days. I need…”

“To recuperate?” I offered, grimacing at the thought of what my twin had gone through every single day for a year.

She nodded. We resumed our meal and Sara explained that the food in Reaverthorne was rather bland, and this was so amazing that she could almost cry.

Once we finished eating, we placed the plates outside of the room and just held each other on the bed. It just felt like the right thing so far. Sure, I’d planned on kissing and having sex with Sara as soon as possible, like the minute we were in private… But that didn’t feel like what we should do, now that it was actually happening. Yes, we hadn’t kissed in a year… But the moment had to be right for that, rather than just forcing it. The most important thing had been talking to each other first, and now, with that done, we were resting in silence.

I did get the urge to kiss Sara’s cheek, so I did. She smiled, and ran her fingers through my hair, and placed her own kiss on my forehead. We both dozed off in there somewhere… After all, we were both tired after not sleeping very well and after a good meal.

It was dark out when we awoke. Well, I woke up first, and me moving to get comfortable while I was trying to wait for Sara to rouse from slumber actually disturbed her rest.

“Hey,” I whispered. Our faces were centimeters apart.

“Hi,” She replied. She was smiling.

“I missed waking up with you,” I informed her.

“I did too.” She agreed and then closed the distance between our lips. This kiss felt like lying on the couch at home after a long day. I forgot how soft Sara’s lips were. I knew they could be gentle, like they were now, and they could be rough when we wanted to get a little wilder.

It was weird, finally being intimate after a year… But Sara and I still knew each other’s bodies. She was hungry to touch me, and I was hungry to receive what she was willing to give. It didn’t surprise me too much that she seemed to need this more than I did. I couldn’t stop the thoughts of what it must have been like for her from invading my mind. I had been her lifeline almost literally, and I had thought that things were bad for me just because I was lonely because there was nobody that understood me as well as her. But then again, I suppose Sara had wanted to spare me of the pressure of feeling like I had to be her life preserver, which I was actually grateful for because I would have been constantly worried about it, wondering if I was doing enough.

We fell asleep again after a few rounds of sex. The next morning, Sara looked a lot better. Her skin was no longer an unhealthy pale tone, and after a shower, her hair was a lot cleaner and dried out to the normal rich chocolate brown. Her dark circles had faded a decent bit, and she no longer looked as tired. When all of this processed, I attacked her with an embrace, kissing her face all over. A quick glance in the mirror told her why I seemed so relieved. Though she had yet to gain back some of her weight, but perhaps that was more physiological than everything else.

The next couple of days were spent finding TV to watch. We weren’t going to delve into pay-per-view, so we just watched what was on, and didn’t even change into actual clothes. We just wore pajamas. Though that night we did change into some more appropriate attire so we could go out to a restaurant together. Nobody cared about us, and we didn’t care about anybody, so we held hands and only had eyes for each other.

“So…” Sara began, clearing her throat and taking a sip of wine. “I’m not sure if I got a straight answer before…”

“I can’t give any straight answers, Sara. I’m gay.” I quipped, grinning.

She laughed, rolling her eyes. “No, I mean I don’t know if I got a clear answer… Um… So do you want to move somewhere together? You don’t have to, I just… I wanted to create more options…”

“I do.” I replied, aware of the words I’d chosen. “I want to be anywhere you are. Name the place you want to go, and I’ll follow you.”

Sara smiled down into her Albondigas, so I took this opportunity to take a bit of my own food.

“How about, we’ll see where I get job offers, and then you can choose where we live?” She suggested.

“Sounds like a plan.” I agreed. “When are we going back to Calgary?”

“Well… I have to get my stuff out of Reaverthorne and quit my job…” Sara let out a sigh. “We could do that tomorrow, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right? I’ve bounced back enough to tolerate being there for a few hours… And if we’re together, we’ll be better off, especially since we have plans for the future, passion for each other, and ambitions.” She seemed like she was more trying to convince herself, so I reached across the table to take her hand.

“We’ve got this,” I assured her.

Back in the hotel room after dinner, we put on some music and fucked for at least an hour bathed in moonlight, until we were tired to continue. In the morning we had sex again before breakfast. Despite my jokes that I had eaten plenty to satisfy my hunger for at least a day, Sara frowned, averting her eyes. My eyes grazed her obvious ribs, and I fell silent. There were goosebumps on her skin, so I hugged her from behind, placing soft kisses on her neck. We then took a shower together and put on brightly colored clothing, as it might act as our canary in the coal mine. Next was a large and fulfilling breakfast where we held hands under the table and brought coffee with us to go.

We rented a car because it turned out that Sara had decided to take driving lessons as to give her something to do and work towards, and even gotten her license. She was very obviously anxious as we neared the city limits of Reaverthorne, so try to make her feel better, I sang along to the radio, and not particularly well either. I wasn’t sure how much I was helping her, but I was distracting myself from fearing what it would be like in Reaverthorne.

My heart was pounding the closer we got to the sign that informed us the population and city line of Reaverthorne. At first, I didn’t feel a difference, just apprehension for what might come. Suddenly I didn’t feel so much like singing, so I stopped and turned down the radio.

“Turn the radio back on, babe.” Sara pleaded, glancing at me with concern. Realizing that I wasn’t likely to do so, she scowled in determination and pulled a CD case out of her pocket. “Put this in.”

She’d apparently burned a CD, but I had no idea what was on it… Until I heard the beginning guitar rhythm and recognized it as I’m Gonna Be by the Proclaimers. Sara knew this song by heart because it constantly ran through her head since childhood. She hated singing in front of others, but she’d sometimes hum to me when we were in bed together post-coitally. But at this moment, she started singing along so I joined in. The next song was Livin’ On A Prayer, and I realized that this mix CD was one that she must have created to boost morale. Each song was a popular and upbeat song we had both known since childhood.

The color seemed to drain from the landscape the further into the town we got… It was like a black and white movie. We passed some fields and factories, and eventually passed workplaces and apartment buildings. Everything was so… perfect and uniform to the point where it made me extraordinarily uncomfortable. The few people walking on the sidewalks all seemed to have eerily good posture; standing up straight, and they all walked with purpose, but their arms were held stiffly by their sides. Everyone had similar haircuts; all neat, orderly and out of the way. There seemed to be a dress code as well: a white button up top, and black slacks. The shirt was tucked in and secured with a belt. Everyone was smiling blithely, and in a place that was so utterly pristine, it was unsettling.

Sara reached for my hand and gave it a quick squeeze, calming my instincts, which were screaming at me to run. I turned to look at her, and there was a determined grimace etched into her features. I would never know what it was like to spend a year here without my twin, but that year would be a part of Sara’s life forever. I hoped it would be the only year she’d ever spend away from me.

“I love you,” I said weakly.

“I love you too.” She replied. “Babe, we’re going to get through this.” She sounded so confident; something familiar and calming.

“How much further?” I bit the inside of my lip, dreading the answer.

“Not too far, I lived in the middle of the city. My stuff is mostly packed up, so we only have a little bit left.” Sara assured me. “This whole ordeal will take a couple hours, tops.”

I could only nod in response as I took in the bland and stereotypical architecture. The city was on a grid, and everything seemed to act like a wind-up toy. Going literally anywhere else would make me sob with relief because the people weren’t mechanical. I felt like I was trapped in a dystopian city, and the only thing that was keeping me from panicking was my twin. It was almost ironic due to us being identical, but the important distinction was that Sara and I had our own styles and personalities, and weren’t just carbon copies of each other.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up once Sara parked the car and got out. I swallowed my fear enough to exit the vehicle as well. I took her hand and looked to her for what to do next.

She took a deep breath and produced her keys as she led me inside. “Don’t make eye contact with anyone.” She warned.

I stared at my feet as she tugged me through the lobby and into an elevator. Someone else was in there with us, but I guess Sara badly wanted to give everyone the middle finger and had no fear of consequences because she gave me a peck on the lips, enough to make me look up, and then eased into fully making out with me. It was taking more effort than it normally would to kiss her… Part of me wanted to just stand there stiffly, like the near-robots I was seeing. And then it dawned on me that this was likely my soul being tugged at. So I kissed Sara with more passion.

When we arrived at Sara’s floor, she pulled away and the two of us linked arms and scampered out of the elevator together. There honestly was no purpose to running, it just felt more rebellious than walking and trying not to attract attention.

Sara’s studio apartment looked rather unlike an apartment that she would have and more like one that I would have because simply put, it was a mess. The bed was not made, there were clothes cast around, and there were dishes in the kitchen sink. The desk underneath the window had disorganized stacks of paper, and pencils just tossed to the side. The closet door was open, and inside was a stack of boxes.

“I couldn’t wait to be ready to pack my stuff, so I held myself back from doing it all at once,” Sara explained as she shut the door. “If I had a particularly rough day, I would pack some stuff up. Usually talking to you on the phone was enough to make things feel better enough for me to make it through the next day. Um… I have to call into my job and quit now. I already set my mail to be forwarded to your place and the like. I’ve been… I’ve been looking forward to this day for a long time.” She admitted, looking slightly sheepish.

“Me too,” I said softly and kissed her cheek. “I’ll start packing up the rest of your stuff, yeah?”

“Extra boxes are in the closet,” Sara informed me with a bright smile on her face as she picked up her phone to call her office. Though I was folding stuff to cram it into a box, I couldn’t help but notice that Sara seemed to be arguing with whoever was on the other end of the line. I told myself that she could handle it, and if she needed me, I was right there.

Eventually, she did hang up, and I sat back on my heels as she entered the closet to help me. I was greeted with a kiss on the lips as soon as she was down on my level.

“How did it go?” I asked.

“Talking to you, a regular human being, made me forget what it’s like talking to these people… They sound like robots, and everyone calls each other by their first and last name… and emotion in voices is unheard of.” She shook her head, wrinkling her nose.

“By the end of today, we’ll be out of here.” I reminded her. “And we just have to find a place for you to work. I just have to finish this semester at school, and then I can transfer to wherever we decide to go, and I’ll find a job.”

With this thought, we efficiently packed up everything Sara wanted to bring. She had decided that she wanted to leave a lot of stuff due to the fact that everyone was supposed to be the same in Reaverthorne; the same appliances, furniture, toiletries, as well as clothing. She had improved her drawing though, and certainly wanted to keep those.

However, the second we were finished packing; there was a knock on the door. We looked at each other in confusion for a moment, but slowly got up and answered the door together nonetheless.

“Hi… Can I help you?” Sara asked, but froze upon actually looking at the person behind the door.

It was a man, towering over us in a dark pinstripe suit and porkpie hat. His light skin was surprisingly a healthy tone, rather than plain white or the pale that Sara’s had taken on. The hair that we could see was black. He looked orderly and neat in a way that was somehow intimidating, but the feature that really drew our attention was his eyes: a bone-chilling blood red.

I was left frozen, and I suppose Sara was as well. I did notice her grip on the doorknob tightening, but before she could move to shut the door, the man pushed it open wider and simply strode into the apartment like he owned the place. My gut dropped and I tried to think back to the judo that I knew. Out of the corner of my eye, Sara clenched her jaw. She reached for my hand, and I obliged, wondering if we were going to take him on together. We left the door open because it was best to get him out if we didn’t have to worry about that.

“Exactly what do you think you’re doing?” Sara demanded, her voice deep with anger.

The man turned around in the middle of the room and smiled smugly at us like he had already won.

“Hello, Sara Quin… I see you are planning on leaving Reaverthorne with your sister.” He remarked. His voice was pleasant in an off-putting way, and he sounded as though he thought he was intelligent. These factors all made me want to punch him in the face, especially when his use of Sara’s name made her stiffen. Her name sounded wrong, coming from him; almost like he was soiling it.

“What’s it to you?” Sara snapped. She released my hand and stepped in front of me. “Get the fuck out of my apartment. As soon as we take my stuff and leave, you’ll have all day to jerk off in here.”

“Oh, but I don’t want you to leave, Sara Quin. And you, Tegan Quin, leaving our beautiful town so soon?” His eyes were piercing, his voice made me want to run.

“Fuck off. And leave Tegan out of it. None of this is your business. You need to leave.” Sara was becoming livid, and it was clear that she detested this man, but she didn’t seem to recognize him… How did he know our names?

“It is my business, ladies. After all… I created this wonderful city, and I don’t want either of you to leave.”

Sara staggered backward and pushed me away from him, shielding me with her own body. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I didn’t like it at all. I didn’t know what to do… maybe there were knives in the kitchen unit? Or perhaps Sara was going to start beating this fucker up, and I was going to back her up…

“What the hell are you talking about?” I found myself asking. Unfortunately, the fear could be heard in my voice.

“Allow me to introduce myself, children… This city is of my own making, for my own benefit. You see, Sara Quin is the first one to figure out what happens here. I do feed off of the souls of residents. We don’t have visitors because they never leave. I can be a rather persuasive voice inside your head.” He grinned. “This entire town is my feeding ground. I am the Reaver of Reaverthorne. Sara Quin… you are the first person to ever discover the secret, and the first to ever leave, and the only one whose soul I couldn’t take. I thought you were just extraordinarily stubborn, but then I realized the truth.”

Sara and I exchanged a glance. We were both confused. So Sara had been correct and truthful about all of this, but on the other hand, we seemed very much to be screwed. We had no idea what this man who called himself the Reaver was, but it was very obvious that we were in danger.

“You see, I too thought that Sara Quin had figured out the secret to living here without losing one’s soul. Simply have ambitions, passions, and a loved one. A lack of those things do make it easier for me to take one’s soul, but then once you brought your sister with you, I figured it out: Sara Keirsten Quin and Tegan Rain Quin share a soul. And with the relationship you share… I simply cannot take it from you. Not because I don’t want to… In fact, I do… very badly. After all, it would nourish me for decades to come, but the truth is, while I can tug at it, it simply will not come to me, even with time and patience. Though the soul can be given up, so that is what I am after.” the Reaver paced in front of us, arms folded behind his back.

“Why would either of us give up our soul? You just told us that we’ll be fine here and can get out. We’re not in any danger whatsoever. Good fucking job, Reaver.” Sara practically spat. “Leave us the fuck alone.”

“Ah, but I have a deal for our dear Tegan Quin.” He looked straight past Sara and at me.

“No,” I said immediately, hoping I sounded firm and determined, despite my gut dropping and my heart pounding. “I’m not interested.”

“So you don’t care about all the others here? The ones whom I coaxed here, whose souls I have consumed. And the new ones who arrive almost every day?” He knew what he was doing, and it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

“Their souls can’t be returned,” I told mainly myself. It was a bluff, but it kept me from following my instinct, which would have been to lay down my soul for the rest of the world.

“That may be true, Tegan Rain Quin, but you can protect others. Your sister wouldn’t even have to give up hers; I just want your half. Even half of such a soul would be delicious and keep me fed for so long.” The delight in his voice at playing what seemed to be a game to him was sickening. These were people’s lives, their souls…

“Tegan, baby, don’t do it.” Sara seized me by the shoulders, staring into my eyes. Her grip was rough, and her eyes were wide, both in desperation. “Tegan…”

“They matter too…” I pleaded. “Why are we so special that we get to come out of this hell with our souls, and not them? They no longer have lives worth living. Why shouldn’t we protect others?”

“Because it’s not worth you!” Sara cried out like it was obvious. “I don’t want to lose you in the process. Nobody can replace you, and I’d be all alone, and I would never forgive myself if I let anything happen to you.”

“What makes mine worth more than another person’s life?” I demanded, balling my hands into fists, tears finding their way into my eyes. “Sara, I have to, if it’ll save everyone else who could wander into this place… If I don’t, it won’t be like me. I’ll have given up part of what makes me who I am.”

“There are other ways!” She was crying by this point, and her grip was digging into me, sure to leave bruises. “Don’t you fucking dare give up your soul for people you’ve never even met, without even trying any other methods. He doesn’t want you to think of anything else or to even question this offer. How do you know he’ll keep his word once you do give up your soul?”

I looked down, considering what she said. “You’re right,” I admitted. I turned to look at the Reaver, who stood leering at us. “I won’t do it.”

“I see you’ve given up on altruism in favor of doing whatever your egoistic sister tells you.” He commented softly. “Such a shame… Your soul was so pure and beautiful… Unlike hers. But I suppose in the end you’ll do whatever she tells you; even let others have their souls stolen and their lives wasted.”

Sara’s arms wrapped around me, clutching me to her, as though his words would steal me from her, which I supposed she feared they would.

“She may be self-interested and manipulative… but everyone knows Sara’s fucking brilliant. Besides, I love and trust her. I’m not going to listen to you over her because I know who actually has my best interests at heart.” I replied calmly, wiping my tears away. “My decision is final. I want no part in making a deal with the devil.”

“Oh, I’m not the devil, Tegan Quin.” The Reaver warned. “You have no idea who the devil even is… But perhaps with your choice, he will be more familiar than you thought…”

“It’s a fucking expression,” I replied through gritted teeth. “Leave me the hell alone. The answer is no, and it will always be. You’re not going to manipulate me into naively handing over my soul like a dumbass.”

“If you don’t get the fuck out of my apartment, my sister and I are going to kick your ass,” Sara warned, her voice deathly calm. “And I don’t know if you know this, but I really don’t take kindly to people who try to hoodwink the love of my life into giving up her soul.”

The Reaver scoffed, but likely because he could do nothing more to us, left the apartment. He looked very much like he wanted to sulk about his loss, but preserved his dignity and simply gave up. Sara released me so she could close and lock the door. She let out a breath with that movement, resting her forehead against the door. She wiped at her eyes, and I was immediately hit with guilt for the panic I must have put her through… The offer had seemed like it would have helped countless people. But I had faith in Sara being able to come up with different ways to go about this.

“Thanks for stopping me,” I said softly as I approached her. “I…”

“I know, babe.” Sara took me in her arms and kissed my cheek. “That’s why I was so scared. Your beliefs and how strongly you stick to them is part of why I love you so much… but for a moment there, it seemed like it would be why I was going to lose you.”

“But you wouldn’t have let me.” I pointed out. “I could see it in your eyes.”

“No… I would have.” Sara admitted, sighing. “I knew that if the only reason I gave you against it was that you would be leaving me, it wouldn’t be enough. And I wouldn’t have been able to stop you. So I had to think fast, or else I was going to lose my literal soulmate.”

“But you did it.” I reminded her. “You succeeded, and I’m so glad you did.”

“I do know how we’re going to help others.” She informed me. “We can write an article talking about this place, and send it to newspapers.”

“That’s the Sara I know.” I murmured, and we kissed.

After we pulled ourselves away from making out, it didn’t take very long to get all of Sara’s boxes packed up into the car. Soon, we were cruising on our way out of Reaverthorne. I stared at all of the people whose souls had been stolen from them… The people we couldn’t help. I thought to all of the people who had come before these ones that had been lost to this town. There would be more before Sara and I could warn people as much as we could. I didn’t even want to think of the number of people we were too late to save. They had seen their last rainbow… The guilt would sit on my shoulders for a while. I had given up my chance to do the most to help any others who fell into this trap. We were doing the least, but it had taken a lot for me to curb my instinct. I wondered what it meant for me, that I had resisted doing the thing that I had believed was right, in favor of choosing the smart thing, even if Sara did have a point.

The thing that stopped me from wallowing was the color coming back to the landscape as we left the city and us regaining access to music on the radio stations. Looking at Sara in the driver’s seat reminded me of how lucky I was to live in such a beautiful world.

We stayed in the next town over’s hotel for a couple days as we got our plans sorted out. Sara and I didn’t want to be stuck on a goddamned bus for a long time again, so we would be traveling by plane. We just had to buy a couple of suitcases for Sara’s stuff, and have a little time to ourselves to recover.

By the time we flew back to Calgary, Sara was almost completely back to normal, and I was majorly relieved. Before she began searching for another job, she drafted an article talking about the rumors about Reaverthorne and pointing out the suspicious facts surrounding it and sent it off to as many newspapers and magazines as possible. It sparked an interest and suspicion, though nobody moved out of Reaverthorne… People certainly stopped going there, at least. But this article gained Sara enough attention to earn her an editing job at a publishing company in Ottawa, where we set up our new life.

Sara had been right; living in Reaverthorne had changed everything for us. For how much we hated such a place… We owed it everything we had, even when it disappeared off the map.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this long ass thing lol. I'd love to hear any thoughts either on here or on tumblr. Much love! XOXO


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